


His Beginning (But Not His Ending)

by junmyeonssi



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Byun Baekhyun-centric, Depression, I'm Sorry, M/M, No cheating, Park Chanyeol-centric, Sad, and, and sad, baekhyun feels guilty, dw junmyeon saves him, maybe social anxiety??, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-16 20:40:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16502342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junmyeonssi/pseuds/junmyeonssi
Summary: whoopsies its chanbaek with chanyeol dying and baekhyun feeling guilty. from baekhyuns perspective





	His Beginning (But Not His Ending)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ara](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ara/gifts).



> this is for ara and all of my former friends who have committed suicide. this is a bit of how I feel. I just?? I don't want my world to go on. and it's even worse ara, you're someone who I have a crush on, you're someone who I care about a lot. I always felt guilty when one of my friends died. idk why they all die, probably me lmao   
> anyways I wish I could do something, anything to make you understand just how much you're needed here and just how much I need you

_Have you even been the one to lose someone? Like someone who wasn't supposed to leave early, not like them abandoning you, but actually dying. Dying before their time._

 

Baekhyun had. He remembered it all too clearly. The start of their relationship to the end of it. He perhaps had cared for Chanyeol a little more than a friendship way, but at least he told Chanyeol, before Chanyeol committed suicide. He laid on his bed, staring up at the ceiling as he reminisced about their relationship. 

 

_"Hello! I'm Baekhyun! Who are you?" a five year old Baekhyun greeted the newcomer, cheerfully._

_"I'm Chanyeol?" phrasing it as a question, Chanyeol looked down at his shoes._

_"Wanna be friends?"_

_"Sure."_

 

That had been the start of their friendship. And perhaps the start of Baekhyun's love of Chanyeol. Chanyeol who was tall and gangly and clumsy but nevertheless, he still was cute and endearing with his smiles and the way he tried to make himself smaller. Baekhyun knew he should've done something, anything when Chanyeol started changing near the start of college.  

 

_"Where are you going Yeollie?" Curiousity overcame Baekhyun and he had to know where his best friend was going especially since he looked ready to go out to a bar or party._

_"I'm going to a party, duh. What else?"_

_And Baekhyun despite his tendencies to nag and try to get Chanyeol to stay and work, decided that maybe, maybe Chanyeol could have a break from school. After all, breaks are good for you, right?_

 

That had been his mistake, letting Chanyeol go. He should've done something about it, should've gotten Chanyeol to stay. But no, he let Chanyeol go out for a  _break_ and that was probably when he lost Chanyeol. 

 

_Chanyeol had been going out more often, Baekhyun noticed. At least he's probably making friends, we all know he needs friends, I hope they're like Kyungsoo and help him study. Kyungsoo was an English major who had offered to tutor Chanyeol in English some time ago, Baekhyun assumed they were friends, because Chanyeol hung out with Kyungsoo a lot didn't he?_

_In reality, Chanyeol had been going out to multiple parties and bars. Flirting with girls and having a 'good time', Chanyeol's grades were dropping fast._

 

Baekhyun wished he had done something about it. Instead, he had quietly seethed and resented Chanyeol because Chanyeol had assumably been having fun.

 

 _While Chanyeol partied, Baekhyun had gotten a second job in order to pay for their apartment. While Chanyeol had one night stands, Baekhyun worked his ass off trying to get good grades. While Chanyeol hung out with his friends, Baekhyun remained cooped up, working on whatever school he needed to get done. And he paid rent on their apartment, while Chanyeol used his money on drinks and a good time._  

 

Sighing, Baekhyun turned over on his bed in order to stare at the wall this time. He had fucked up, he knew it. He shouldn't have let Chanyeol out all those nights. If he had only asked Chanyeol to stay, Chanyeol wouldn't have left. 

 

_Chanyeol stumbled into the apartment. There were bruises and cuts littered across his skin._

_"Yeol? What happened?" Baekhyun was on his feet in an instant, walking over to Chanyeol and examining the cuts and bruises._

_"Don' worry about it, it's nothing." Chanyeol slurred._

_And Baekhyun, sensing that Chanyeol didn't want to talk about it, let it go and just washed off his cuts and got band-aids and a few ice packs for the bruises on his face. He forgot to ask later about the bruises and cuts._

_Even the next times he came back with cuts and bruises, Baekhyun didn't ask. He assumed Chanyeol was just having fun with his football buddies, although he didn't know if Chanyeol actually hung out with the rest of the players. He just assumed._

Baekhyun frowned. Those assumptions were the reason Chanyeol had killed himself. Because Baekhyun had assumed Chanyeol was okay and happy, Chanyeol died. Behind the smiles and laughter, Chanyeol had been sad, oh so sad. And all Baekhyun had thought about was his crush on Chanyeol. 

 

_"Hey Yeol? I like you." Baekhyun announced unceremoniously as he plopped down on the couch, beside Chanyeol._

_"Oh, you do? Thats nice, I like you too." Chanyeol mumbled, barely paying attention to Baekhyun as his avatar on the video game he was playing, ranked up again. "Yes!! I did it!!" He cheered happily. Or so Baekhyun had thought, anyway._

_"No no, I meant in a dating kind of way, not friend kind of way." Baekhyun said, flustered as he shifted slightly on the couch._

_"Oh.. well I don't think you'd want to date me.. I'm not good enough for you, I'm just me. A playboy." Chanyeol said, more subdued this time._

_So Baekhyun let it slide, knowing he hadn't gotten a definitive yes or no. It made him wonder, but he didn't want to bring the subject up again, not when Chanyeol had gotten sad._

 

Sadness. If you had known Chanyeol while he had been in college, that wouldn't have been a word associated with him. Chanyeol had been epitome of a college student out for a good time. Until the day Baekhyun had gotten a text from him. One he should've responded to, but didn't. 

 

_With a ding! Baekhyun's phone let him know he had a text from Chanyeol. He rolled his eyes, not during class, Chanyeol. He would answer it later, after the lecture was over. He forgot._

_Nine hours later, while scrolling through instagram, he received another text from Chanyeol. And here's what those texts read:_

**From Yeollie**

hey baekkie can we talk please? 

_sent 9 hours ago_

**From Yeollie**

baekhyun I'm sorry 

Im so so sorry 

I promised myself I would try, try to enjoy life, try to give the world a chance 

I promised it because I wanted you so badly 

but I couldn't, I couldn't have you if I wasn't able to be happy with the world 

because you deserve someone who isn't depressed or mentally unstable, someone who loves you and would give everything up just for you 

I would have, but I couldn't burden you, it would've been unfair to you 

so I distanced myself 

and by the time you see this and find me, it'll be too late 

I love you 

goodbye baek 

_Baekhyun panicked. He absolutely panicked. Running halfway across the campus, he checked Kyungsoo's dorm first, because Chanyeol often went there to study and talk to Kyungsoo. Empty. Next he went to the bar nearby the campus, because sometimes Chanyeol just needed to drink and let off his frustration, right? Empty. He checked the bathroom on the second floor of the English department. And what he saw made him scream. That scream attracted teachers and students. They gasped at the sight._

_What was it that they had seen? It was Park Chanyeol. Lying unconscious on the floor of the bathroom, blood seeping out of his wrists and tear tracks on his cheeks. Nearby laid his phone, unlocked with the screen still on and the message he had sent to Baekhyun still up for the world to see._

_Baekhyun had desperately tried to stop the bleeding, but it was in vain. The blood just seeped through the tissues. Frantically he had done everything possible._

_"Yeollie? No no no no no Yeollie please please please please please please please stay with me. Please..." Baekhyun sobbed, staring at his best friend, who had acted so happily the day prior, lying on the floor, bloody and unconscious._

_Baekhyun had to be dragged away by two of the teachers, in order for the medics to load Chanyeol onto the ambulance._

 

Baekhyun remembered the hospital. Waiting impatiently for the doctors to tell him that Chanyeol was okay and it had only been an accident, a mistake, that Chanyeol had been drunk and he didn't mean to cut that deeply. But, it didn't happen like that, the grim look the doctors had given him had told him enough, but they proceeded to tell him why Chanyeol had died. It was because he had lost too much blood, nothing they tried would've helped, he had been too far gone, they explained to Baekhyun's numb mind. 

And Baekhyun went crazy, clawing at the doctors, screaming at them to let him see Chanyeol, sobbing because when he had seen the pale, lifeless form of his friend, he broke down. Finally they sedated him, it was no relief however, because behind Baekhyun's eyelids, played the same nightmare over and over. He hadn't read the text in time, if he had, Chanyeol might've still been alive. He had put school before his best friend. It was his fault.  _his fault._

 

Baekhyun's world had begun with Chanyeol. For a long time afterwards, he thought it ended with Chanyeol. But along came Junmyeon, with his sweet smiles and even sweeter voice. Pretty, pretty Junmyeon who pulled Baekhyun out of his depression and guilt. 

Yes, Baekhyun did still blame himself for Chanyeol's death but he accepted it, accepted that maybe he had done all he could've given the circumstances. Junmyeon could never replace the empty space that Chanyeol used to occupy in his heart, but Junmyeon had made his own area in Baekhyun's heart. And maybe his love for Junmyeon was different than his love for Chanyeol, but in a way it was the same. And maybe Baekhyun had decided to be happy and make his life with Junmyeon now. And while his beginning had been Chanyeol, his ending was Junmyeon. His only hope was that Chanyeol was happy with his decision to love again. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> yes I know happy ending. it's not what I'll have, I can't move on. but I wanted to pretend, pretend that you didn't mean a lot to me, pretend that someone else could get my love. they couldn't, not in real life   
> anyway leave a comment or kudos or something I rewrote this because ao3 got rid of it somehow lmao


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